Life after angst (Part I)

Oooh angst. Growing up in the '90s, angst was such a romantic concept, and I guess that made me the most romance-ridden adolescent this side of Nirvana's heart-shaped box.

I understand angst as a certain kind of melancholy, one that's closer to anger, caused by or correlated to frustration of all kinds in turn. Also related to it is some kind of confusion, which perhaps is a cause of frustration. So if I had to describe it in the first person, it would go like,

"I'm a little sad, and a bit angry because life frustrates me because I'm confused and don't understand what's going on and what it all means. I just want to be cool, dammit! And happy."

I wanted to write about this after having a series of conversations with my wife Alecon that started on our way home back from dinner last night. It went a little like this (not direct quotes okay?):

M: Are you happy that you married me?
A: Yes. Are you happy that you married me?
M: Yes. Are you happy that you're married?
A: Yes.
M: Me too.
(slight relieved stifled giggles all round)
M: It's like, that's one thing I don't have to worry about anymore.
A: Marriage, yes I know!
M: I feel relieved after reading all these peoples' blogs and their relationship angst.
A: Yes, me too; especially people our age.
M: Well, I'd get their cause for alarm, but even people 5 or more years younger, in their early-mid twenties, are writing all about their relationship angst, compounding their career and life-direction angst. So I do feel lucky.
A: Hmphf. You don't know half of it.

Yes, I do feel profoundly lucky. I also feel that it's not my circumstances that decreased my angst (for a net gain in overall happiness), rather it's my departure from angst, my abandoning it that I attribute to the net gain in quality circumstances in my life.

I think the key is the disappearance of confusion. As I supposed earlier, frustration is caused by confusion. We get upset and frustrated when we just don't get it. Now I'm not saying that the disappearance of confusion is a result of enlightenment, or figuring it all out, or knowing something I didn't know prior.

Someone asked me to consider that confusion is an inauthentic act. It is an act to be confused. It is inauthentic, or in bad faith because it allows me to avoid the responsibility of choosing an action and accepting its consequences.

WTF? Being confused is my fault? Well, put it this way: if confusion is a way of being, and being is an act in the present, then I am responsible for it. Instead of being confused, I could be asking quality questions to quality sources.

It's like, there's always going to be things that I don't know. But to be confused, is to avoid responsibility for my not knowing. Now I can take responsibility for my lack of ability in mathematics. Talent considerations aside, I may not end up being brilliant at math even if I fully applied myself, but certainly I would have better grades than I what I earned - or perform multiplication and division operations mentally.

Net result, no frustration with mathematics, zero angst about an inability to pursue a career in science (or even economics, finance, or social sciences dependent on statistical tools). What remains is an appreciation (however limited) for mathematics and science that allows me to enjoy hard science fiction to deeper extents.

So what's the meaning of all this? Is this some kind of prescription? An intellectual Prozac if you will? No. No. And no. These guys may just as well tell you: