Am I ever here?
I've gotten exceptional training (both in terms of quality and volume) on being present to every moment. A very powerful statement - the motto of my very good friend Aljor goes: "This is IT, and you're the ONE!"
It says that all the decisions and choices that I've made in my life have led me to this moment, and who's responsible for all of those and what's to come is me and no one else.
I agree wholeheartedly. However, I find my behavior consistently at odds with it. Like right now [ed. note: written by hand on my planner while in class] instead of paying full attention to everyone and everything in this training program, I'm doing this; writing and reflecting.
It's inauthentic, in that I am here but I am not here. I'm doing something else. I'm not doing the training. I'm writing blog entries while I pretend to be in training.
Can I "be" in training for the whole duration of the program? Yes absolutely. The reason that I am not, is that I keep insisting on doing all these other things.
I get that I am a creature of gratification - in this particular case, entertainment. If I'm not entertained at a particular moment, I set out to entertain myself in other ways. I'm being proactive like this.
The question is: what is it about this training that I'm resisting? Whatever that is, it's what's keeping me from being present to the training itself, the people in it, and my own objectives.
1 comments:
Heh. I spent most of my class time doing that --- being in class but multi-tasking. I suppose that happens to most of us when we feel we're not challenged enough or not interested enough. It doesn't mean, however, that you can't do well in that class/training. Just that it doesn't get you at the jugular. Then again, I am a creature of duty and categorical imperative so I may not be the person to ask.
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